circles of adjustment
at times i feel like i am literally leading a circus- that is seriously the best way to describe it! i am all over the place i am trying to make everyone happy with this show.
i also feel like any other wife, mom, grand(daughter), employee is able to identify with what i am about to TRY and describe- but wait. its all the same we've all heard it, we've all expressed it - am i doing enough, how can i do it all, how does she do it etc... etc... etc!
WELP i am actually going to talk about the circles that I am adjusting to TODAY.
here- lets begin with this- exactly 11 months ago (just a one month shy of a year) my world FLIPPED a 180.
i walked away from what i knew/felt to be my passion, my heart, mostly my everything. WORK.
i was a branch of a 4th generation link within the legacy of my family's long lasting work ethic.
i walked away from a self built, self guided way of life;
i walked away from working from home
i walked away from being able to be home for my kids; this included but was not limited to being able to see them off to school every morning- i was able to walk and get them off the bus- give them that so happy to have you back home hug at the end of the school day
i walked away from my ability to visit class
i walked away from being able to know the teacher(s)
i walked away from being able to enjoy and eat lunch with my kids
i walked away from chatting & having genuine conversation with caregivers
i walked away from working along side my husband
i walked away from working for myself
i walked away from all of my goals, my workload, my personal professional stride
i walked away from years of hard work. stressful work. long/late night work. 24/7 work. MY work
if SO stressful- then this sounds like the better option right!? that's why we did it, right!?
well when its work you do in your sleep without thought- it was habit, it was routine, it was a way of life.
i walked away from my life. all of it. my future- POOF- GONE!
even knowing FULL well that i would drown, i jumped ship- to avoid the fire.
i was being abandoned so before they were gone i wanted to be gone.
and i wasnt stopped, not even for a second. AWFUL its an awful feeling to both feel worthless and of no purpose (i am still searching).
walking away from it all - all that felt like my everything-
i was and (still am) fortunate to still have my husband, my girls on my side, with me forever.
they are the strings to my heart that pull me, keep me close, never letting me get too far.
leaving off of that^ just left us with
no longer having a vehilce that comforatbly fit all of us
no health insurance
no home to live in that we could call ours
we lived months & miles apart (aaron and i have experience in distance ((insert college)))
we werent able to eat together as our family for months
we werent able to hug one another good morning or good night for months
fast forward again to today (11 months later) i am adjusting to the following circles;
working around my innerboss mode - this doesnt go away, i need her to DO something but WHAT? ugh
trying to not refer to them or that life as WE or OUR
working FOR a company as an employee - not the decision maker of all items
working 9-5 monday - friday & then SHUTTING IT OFF
working NOT with my husband
rushing out the door in the AM with the girls in tow and rushing them into the door at daycare
not getting to do school drop off
not getting to do school pick up
not having the ability to stop in for lunch-
i mean i COULD but i CANT as much as i used to be able to
i have to schedule in 5000 million errands each weekend
PAUSE >> ((i kind of sound like i am whining right now))
but living a way of life, a lifestyle for more than a decade and having to up an change it, not on my terms and with force- its not easy. it hasn't been easy.
PLAY>>
i cant stay on top of cleaning
i spend my weekends (before all the errands) cleaning the house that i cant get to all week
its just this mysterious theory of balance that is NEVER on
i mean- OK- let me just stop here because again i could go on and on forever and while i lived this mess- i am getting lost and confused (per usual) i feel the need to be able to summarize this mess (like- one word "DONE") just i am just not there yet.
my life is STILL upside down, some days right side up, other days i am low- some days high
i am going to keep moving forward but in this direction i am going to take the time i need.
there is no rush- there is no need to be OK or ALRIGHT or BETTER. i am wanting to just BE.
i am wanting to MOVE ON to learn from it to grow from it to get to know WHY i am WHERE i am and WHO i am - i've been there before and i used to have these answers but they're gone.
see guys- circus. shut down that spot light & close the curtains.
i also feel like any other wife, mom, grand(daughter), employee is able to identify with what i am about to TRY and describe- but wait. its all the same we've all heard it, we've all expressed it - am i doing enough, how can i do it all, how does she do it etc... etc... etc!
WELP i am actually going to talk about the circles that I am adjusting to TODAY.
here- lets begin with this- exactly 11 months ago (just a one month shy of a year) my world FLIPPED a 180.
i walked away from what i knew/felt to be my passion, my heart, mostly my everything. WORK.
i was a branch of a 4th generation link within the legacy of my family's long lasting work ethic.
i walked away from a self built, self guided way of life;
i walked away from working from home
i walked away from being able to be home for my kids; this included but was not limited to being able to see them off to school every morning- i was able to walk and get them off the bus- give them that so happy to have you back home hug at the end of the school day
i walked away from my ability to visit class
i walked away from being able to know the teacher(s)
i walked away from being able to enjoy and eat lunch with my kids
i walked away from chatting & having genuine conversation with caregivers
i walked away from working along side my husband
i walked away from working for myself
i walked away from all of my goals, my workload, my personal professional stride
i walked away from years of hard work. stressful work. long/late night work. 24/7 work. MY work
if SO stressful- then this sounds like the better option right!? that's why we did it, right!?
well when its work you do in your sleep without thought- it was habit, it was routine, it was a way of life.
i walked away from my life. all of it. my future- POOF- GONE!
even knowing FULL well that i would drown, i jumped ship- to avoid the fire.
i was being abandoned so before they were gone i wanted to be gone.
and i wasnt stopped, not even for a second. AWFUL its an awful feeling to both feel worthless and of no purpose (i am still searching).
walking away from it all - all that felt like my everything-
i was and (still am) fortunate to still have my husband, my girls on my side, with me forever.
they are the strings to my heart that pull me, keep me close, never letting me get too far.
leaving off of that^ just left us with
no longer having a vehilce that comforatbly fit all of us
no health insurance
no home to live in that we could call ours
we lived months & miles apart (aaron and i have experience in distance ((insert college)))
we werent able to eat together as our family for months
we werent able to hug one another good morning or good night for months
fast forward again to today (11 months later) i am adjusting to the following circles;
working around my innerboss mode - this doesnt go away, i need her to DO something but WHAT? ugh
trying to not refer to them or that life as WE or OUR
working FOR a company as an employee - not the decision maker of all items
working 9-5 monday - friday & then SHUTTING IT OFF
working NOT with my husband
rushing out the door in the AM with the girls in tow and rushing them into the door at daycare
not getting to do school drop off
not getting to do school pick up
not having the ability to stop in for lunch-
i mean i COULD but i CANT as much as i used to be able to
i have to schedule in 5000 million errands each weekend
PAUSE >> ((i kind of sound like i am whining right now))
but living a way of life, a lifestyle for more than a decade and having to up an change it, not on my terms and with force- its not easy. it hasn't been easy.
PLAY>>
i cant stay on top of cleaning
i spend my weekends (before all the errands) cleaning the house that i cant get to all week
its just this mysterious theory of balance that is NEVER on
i mean- OK- let me just stop here because again i could go on and on forever and while i lived this mess- i am getting lost and confused (per usual) i feel the need to be able to summarize this mess (like- one word "DONE") just i am just not there yet.
my life is STILL upside down, some days right side up, other days i am low- some days high
i am going to keep moving forward but in this direction i am going to take the time i need.
there is no rush- there is no need to be OK or ALRIGHT or BETTER. i am wanting to just BE.
i am wanting to MOVE ON to learn from it to grow from it to get to know WHY i am WHERE i am and WHO i am - i've been there before and i used to have these answers but they're gone.
see guys- circus. shut down that spot light & close the curtains.
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