an angel. a vision.
i tried a thing recently- something for me. something in a space all for me- no one around that i knew letting and allowing myself to "feel"
starting with that. sitting with that for a minute.
the moment i walked in i was not to say uncomfortable but i was not feeling comfy and to most we might run but i am learning that uncomfortable is growth- it s good place to be IF it has good intention- its sought out with purpose.
i signed my name, applied a pleasant/relaxing oil to my wrist and received a welcoming hug. YES a hug... from a girl that embraced me like i was her very best friend that she has been waiting all day to see me!
i then took a seat- not in back, not in front but in the middle and an end seat. ((must have room for an exit should it be needed)). mind you i arrived in an active tee, black leggings & my hair up- i was worried i would need a yoga mat but was SURE they would have one for me. NOPE it was a seated arrangement and there were jeans, street wear and professional attire all around- again i was feeling "too prepared" but not prepared at all for what was about to incur.
this being the first of a three part series, the intro and first 15 minutes of the experience already had me getting excited for another two events of sitting with my thoughts and seeing what comes to me.
the room darkens, eyes close, the "sound bowl" rings, we breath in deep and breath out fully again again and again. feeling relaxed, not relaxed then back to relaxed. it's almost that same feeling of drifting off to sleep but not- you don't want to quite do that because the focus and intention of self will disappear. i for sure fell asleep the first time- im new at this.
while i may have drifted off it was a brief and i was back to my vision and if i had to describe what was first seen- it was a mish-mash of children not exactly saige nor avrie but just kids- little kids and a big red barn. makes sense right- i have girls and we live on a farm. ok seems like this is me and i am seeing the correct thing.
but as quickly as those visions came and went- along with the heart shaped sunglasses- it was bright, like a warm fall sunset all around me but this is different it's nothing like a dream its more visions/imagination versus figures. being my most relaxed my arms felt heavy and unable to move it was also when the bright light was overcome with darkness- almost like can of thick black paint spilled and washed over the sky/area above my head and at the same time i happened to be thinking about my dad... my dad entered my thoughts and the black spilled everywhere.
it was here that my heads felt heavy, the tears started to fall- a steady stream- the black cleared and the warm light/sun had returned and my hands had a slight tingle. following this day my dad doesnt enter my thoughts daily and a hundred times a day. it's just sightly less.
i left feeling heavy in the chest- almost like i had just exhausted my lungs with a tough run while trying to get over a chest cold. i was stunned with the confusion of what just happened and what it all might mean. i also felt compelled to reach out to my friend Sondra. we know Sondra and what role she played in my life and it's no coincidence to me that her friendship/relationship to me would come to mind. i text a hello and left it there.
session 2- same process, same seat, one familiar face and more hugs.
this time i found myself on a beach walking in the water... and that was it. i didn't see much more than that- maybe a warm purple sky off to the right but none the less, once again i walked away a little bit lighter a little less worry.
session 3- THIS time, one new friend, a different chair AND someone i actually know and MORE HUGS. this is starting to feel kind of normal, a little but comfortable and something could maybe know a think or two about.
in this session i started to actually feel present in my vision- looking down at my feet i felt forward motion. in this same moment the second i felt present and in the moment i was tripped up by a hole in the sand (yes i found myself yet again at the beach) surely it is my happy place. but back to this hole in the sand- it was distracted like no other trying to determine what was placed in the this hole? was it a crumpled piece of paper but whats on it- why am i so interested in it- why can't i move past it.
in another moments time i feel that i have drifted again- and returned but again in light of another warm sunset but in a home that is open concepts- a lot of really large windows and a lot of large trees all around. i am holding a warm mug of coffee... i am walking around, looking around... i find a place to sit and i see myself writing out
i am me...
insert Sondra again- once again her friendship with me and the impact it had on me with the timing and the abandon. no. one. will. ever. understand- but me.
i am me...
tears more tears, once again, unsure about how i got here, where the tears are coming from and what this all means.
this time i did not reach out to sondra- but wanted to write this experience down. to remember it. to take it off of my heart.
with this trilogy of meditation coming to an end full of so much hopefully love spread around the room- we are left with there being a promise of more, there will be more- this will be a place and a space that i can return to month after month and i have to say. i am REALLY looking forward to my next hope filled hug with a new and or familiar face amidst the room.
small doors BIG HEARTS. all are welcome. all are loved.
starting with that. sitting with that for a minute.
the moment i walked in i was not to say uncomfortable but i was not feeling comfy and to most we might run but i am learning that uncomfortable is growth- it s good place to be IF it has good intention- its sought out with purpose.
i signed my name, applied a pleasant/relaxing oil to my wrist and received a welcoming hug. YES a hug... from a girl that embraced me like i was her very best friend that she has been waiting all day to see me!
i then took a seat- not in back, not in front but in the middle and an end seat. ((must have room for an exit should it be needed)). mind you i arrived in an active tee, black leggings & my hair up- i was worried i would need a yoga mat but was SURE they would have one for me. NOPE it was a seated arrangement and there were jeans, street wear and professional attire all around- again i was feeling "too prepared" but not prepared at all for what was about to incur.
this being the first of a three part series, the intro and first 15 minutes of the experience already had me getting excited for another two events of sitting with my thoughts and seeing what comes to me.
the room darkens, eyes close, the "sound bowl" rings, we breath in deep and breath out fully again again and again. feeling relaxed, not relaxed then back to relaxed. it's almost that same feeling of drifting off to sleep but not- you don't want to quite do that because the focus and intention of self will disappear. i for sure fell asleep the first time- im new at this.
while i may have drifted off it was a brief and i was back to my vision and if i had to describe what was first seen- it was a mish-mash of children not exactly saige nor avrie but just kids- little kids and a big red barn. makes sense right- i have girls and we live on a farm. ok seems like this is me and i am seeing the correct thing.
but as quickly as those visions came and went- along with the heart shaped sunglasses- it was bright, like a warm fall sunset all around me but this is different it's nothing like a dream its more visions/imagination versus figures. being my most relaxed my arms felt heavy and unable to move it was also when the bright light was overcome with darkness- almost like can of thick black paint spilled and washed over the sky/area above my head and at the same time i happened to be thinking about my dad... my dad entered my thoughts and the black spilled everywhere.
it was here that my heads felt heavy, the tears started to fall- a steady stream- the black cleared and the warm light/sun had returned and my hands had a slight tingle. following this day my dad doesnt enter my thoughts daily and a hundred times a day. it's just sightly less.
i left feeling heavy in the chest- almost like i had just exhausted my lungs with a tough run while trying to get over a chest cold. i was stunned with the confusion of what just happened and what it all might mean. i also felt compelled to reach out to my friend Sondra. we know Sondra and what role she played in my life and it's no coincidence to me that her friendship/relationship to me would come to mind. i text a hello and left it there.
session 2- same process, same seat, one familiar face and more hugs.
this time i found myself on a beach walking in the water... and that was it. i didn't see much more than that- maybe a warm purple sky off to the right but none the less, once again i walked away a little bit lighter a little less worry.
session 3- THIS time, one new friend, a different chair AND someone i actually know and MORE HUGS. this is starting to feel kind of normal, a little but comfortable and something could maybe know a think or two about.
in this session i started to actually feel present in my vision- looking down at my feet i felt forward motion. in this same moment the second i felt present and in the moment i was tripped up by a hole in the sand (yes i found myself yet again at the beach) surely it is my happy place. but back to this hole in the sand- it was distracted like no other trying to determine what was placed in the this hole? was it a crumpled piece of paper but whats on it- why am i so interested in it- why can't i move past it.
in another moments time i feel that i have drifted again- and returned but again in light of another warm sunset but in a home that is open concepts- a lot of really large windows and a lot of large trees all around. i am holding a warm mug of coffee... i am walking around, looking around... i find a place to sit and i see myself writing out
i am me...
insert Sondra again- once again her friendship with me and the impact it had on me with the timing and the abandon. no. one. will. ever. understand- but me.
i am me...
tears more tears, once again, unsure about how i got here, where the tears are coming from and what this all means.
this time i did not reach out to sondra- but wanted to write this experience down. to remember it. to take it off of my heart.
with this trilogy of meditation coming to an end full of so much hopefully love spread around the room- we are left with there being a promise of more, there will be more- this will be a place and a space that i can return to month after month and i have to say. i am REALLY looking forward to my next hope filled hug with a new and or familiar face amidst the room.
small doors BIG HEARTS. all are welcome. all are loved.
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